The Zeigarnik Effect and Why Are Unfinished Loves So Hard to Forget?
When relationships end abruptly or ambiguously, they often leave behind unresolved emotional "fragments," like a chapter in a book that you can't continue reading.
Have you ever found yourself thinking about a past relationship, long after it's over? Maybe it's an unrequited love, or a conversation you wish you could have had more to say?
If the answer is yes, you may be experiencing the “Zeigarnik Effect” – a psychological phenomenon that explains why unfinished relationships stick in the mind. The term is named after psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik, who discovered that people tend to remember unfinished tasks more clearly than completed ones. In romantic relationships, this phenomenon occurs when there are lingering conflicts or unresolved issues, causing them to haunt and last longer than any relationship that ends with clarity and completeness.
But why does this happen? What makes these unfinished memories so hard to let go of? More importantly, how do you move on?
Lack of clarity in emotional processing
When a relationship ends abruptly or ambiguously, it often leaves unresolved emotional “fragments,” like a chapter in a book you can’t finish reading. According to a 2014 study in the academic publication Elsevier Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences , our brains tend to seek closure to reduce ambiguity, an innate drive to make sense of unfinished experiences.
This lack of wholeness keeps you stuck in a spiral of questioning: “ Could things be different ?” or “ Did I go wrong somewhere? ” These unanswered questions become the driving force that keeps you going back to old memories, searching for a solution that may never come.
By facing your unresolved emotions, exploring their deeper roots, and rewriting the story in a way that helps you feel lighter, you can close this mental loop. This process does not negate the value or meaning of the relationship, but instead softens the emotional intensity, freeing you from the bondage of what was left unfinished. By actively engaging in this journey, you open up space for growth, healing, and new possibilities.
The need to find answers
When love doesn’t go the way we want it to, our instinctive mind will keep searching for the reason. But the harsh truth is that you don’t always get the answer from the other person. And that’s when you need to step up on your own, accepting that some questions may never have a complete explanation.
Unfinished endings often evoke a strong desire for clarity, even when it seems out of reach. Maybe the other person is unwilling to provide answers, or the reasons for the breakup are too complex to explain. Yet the mind remains trapped in the belief that continuing to ruminate will provide answers, leaving you trapped in a mental loop that is both emotionally draining and unproductive. This cycle binds you to the past, inhibits personal growth, and obscures your ability to open yourself up to new opportunities or build new relationships. While the desire for clarity is a natural response, it often becomes an invisible barrier that prevents you from moving forward.
Solution: Try writing down the thoughts or questions that haunt you the most. Then, answer them from an empathetic and objective perspective, or simply acknowledge that not everything needs to be explained. This acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, but rather giving yourself permission to move forward without depending on someone else for answers.
Level of emotional investment
Relationships are not just interactions, they are deep emotional investments, built through small moments like laughing together, sharing, overcoming challenges together. These connections do not easily disappear just because the relationship ends.
A 2020 study, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , highlighted that small positive moments are the foundation of the “emotional capital” in a relationship. It’s this emotional investment that makes letting go so difficult. It’s not just about letting go of a person, but also about letting go of the dreams, expectations, and memories that were woven together. The shared experiences, trust, and vulnerable moments that once built a strong bond are now the reasons why letting go becomes so challenging—especially when there are still knots that have not been untied. These relationships are often held together more deeply by the emotional investment that protects them from breaking up, making the breakup not just the end of a connection, but also the loss of a part of yourself.
Freeing yourself from these attachments should begin with acknowledging their value. Letting go is not about erasing the past, but about honoring the emotional depth that once existed, and accepting that every story has an end. Allow yourself to grieve, because that is natural and necessary for healing. Letting go is not about giving up, but about choosing to reinvest in your personal growth, carrying the lessons of the past with you as valuable baggage.
Photo: L'OFFICIEL Vietnam
