Why do we find people with an avoidant attachment style more attractive?

Maybe you may be with someone who leaves you very lonely in the relationship, lives far away, and acts as if he is in a relationship with his work, mother or friends, even though he is with you. Whatever the case, it means you're with an emotionally unavailable partner. Especially if you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you will be more likely to be attracted to a person with an avoidant attachment, although this can be a painful combination.

So, what might cause this situation?

Many studies have shown us that we tend to be influenced by people who have similar qualities to our parents. If you have witnessed a relationship pattern in which one of your parents is more avoidant and the other is anxious, or where both parties are avoidantly attached, you may be unknowingly repeating this dynamic in your own life, where there is no emotional connection. You imitate the type of relationship you see that is familiar to you because your belief patterns about what a relationship should be like are established in this way and this is your safe space in the beginning, even if the situation becomes uncomfortable later.

At the same time, your ego may be telling you that you don't deserve love, that there's no reason for someone to care about you and that eventually you'll find out you're not good enough, that others can't meet your needs, or that love isn't real unless you have to earn it. For this reason, you may reject things that make you feel different from this inner voice and unintentionally push away a safe partner.

However, you may have set yourself the task of healing and helping the other person, their inner child. You can also try to apply this role you have assumed towards yourself. You try to untie these knots and heal your wounds by repeating what you saw as a child, and you struggle subconsciously with what happened in the past.

Cover shot: @nicolaannapeltzbeckham