Signs that you are too independent in a relationship
For hyper-independent people, prioritizing solitude over shared experiences can become a barrier in relationships. They often maintain rigid boundaries to reinforce their sense of autonomy, and rarely express a need for support or presence from a partner.
Connection is a basic human need. Yet for some, it is never really an option. Imagine a child who craves love from a parent, but receives only coldness in return, carrying with him fears, needs, and personal hurts. In that isolation, the child quickly learns to seek comfort on his own, to face challenges on his own because no one else can. Gradually, the child grows up to understand that people are sometimes unreliable, that things can fall apart, and that every relationship carries the risk of betrayal and deception.
For these people, independence is not simply a choice, but a “way” of survival, a way of life that makes them feel secure. However, when they enter the world of romantic relationships, they realize that this independence, while empowering, can also become a barrier to truly meaningful connections.
Here are three basic signs that you are being too independent in your relationship:
Difficult to ask for help
Excessive independence often manifests as a reluctance to rely on others, partly due to a fear of being hurt. For these individuals, self-reliance is a sign of strength, and relying on others can be seen as an admission of weakness, which they find uncomfortable or humiliating. A longitudinal study published in "Current Directions in Psychological Science" found that childhood attachment styles, especially insecure relationships, can influence how they regulate emotions and resolve conflict in later relationships. People who have experienced inconsistent support in the past often develop self-reliance as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling hurt.
They may keep their emotional or personal challenges to themselves, not wanting to be a “burden” to their partner, and this can create an invisible distance between them. Those who find it difficult to seek help or show vulnerability often suffer from increased loneliness and psychological distress.
Building an emotional wall
For individuals who tend to be hyper-independent, emotional distance becomes an invisible layer of protection. They believe that love inevitably leads to disappointment, because too much closeness often brings loss and pain. For them, closeness is a “trade-off”: people will leave, relationships will fall apart, and what once felt safe will eventually fade, making all the effort meaningless. To avoid this, they only share their happiness and hide their difficulties, believing that in the end, only they can be trusted.
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to seek to establish independence by suppressing their emotions and distancing themselves from others. A 2016 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology examined how attachment styles can influence how people cope with stress in relationships. The study found that people with avoidant attachment styles—often the result of traumatic childhood experiences—tend to withdraw from their partners when faced with distress. They perceive closeness as a threat to their autonomy, which leads them to prioritize self-reliance over coping with their feelings of vulnerability. To cope with stress, they often respond defensively, trying to maintain control rather than seeking support from others.
To change your beliefs gradually, start by challenging the idea that intimacy always leads to hurt or betrayal. Instead of expecting immediate change, try reflecting on a positive experience in your relationship each day. Practice weekly connection with your partner, where you share something personal or vulnerable, like a story or a goal. Then, take some time to reflect on how it feels to be open and connected. You may notice a sense of closeness or unexpected relief when you do.
Prioritize solitude over shared experiences
For hyper-independent people, prioritizing solitude over shared experiences can become a barrier in relationships. They often maintain rigid boundaries to reinforce their sense of autonomy, and are less likely to express their need for support or presence from their partner. They may choose individual activities over shared experiences, which can lead to a disconnect in their relationship. Additionally, the idea of sacrifice or compromise can feel uncomfortable and even intrusive on their personal freedom.
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