Why should you learn to ask for help without feeling bad?
Doing things is not the sole measure of success. Instead, success lies in the ability to recognize limits, seek support, and build a life that balances ambition and personal happiness.
Although humans are social creatures who are eager to give and receive support, many people struggle to reach out for help. This reluctance, if prolonged, can lead to feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even deep hurt. With the increasing prevalence of remote work, isolation from colleagues makes asking for support more challenging than ever.
Natalia de Vita, a career counselor and executive coach, points out that many of us grow up with the mistaken belief that we have to do everything to prove our worth. “We are taught that being independent is a symbol of success, but this makes it difficult to accept our limitations or acknowledge areas for improvement. It is also tied to a fear of not meeting expectations or being perceived as incompetent.”
Where does fear come from?
Fear of hurt
For those who are insecure or overly concerned about how others perceive them, asking for help can seem like an admission of weakness. They fear it will make them look less than they are, losing their perfect image. Some even suffer from imposter syndrome, worrying that if they speak up, people will see through the facade of confidence they’ve built. So they choose to keep their distance, silently shouldering the burden on their own.
Pressure to be independent
Many people, through family or cultural influences, grow up believing that every problem can (and should) be solved alone. Programmed as lone heroes, they often falter in situations that require collaboration and teamwork. Independence is not only a value but also a part of their self-image, and they fear that asking for help will undermine the autonomy they have built up.
Fear of losing control
For some people, asking for help feels like putting their fate in someone else’s hands, which makes them insecure. They may have trouble with trust and fear feeling “indebted.” The shift in power in a relationship—from giver to receiver—makes them feel so insecure that they choose to take on the burden rather than feel dependent.
Fear of rejection
Many people fear that their requests will be rejected, and they often overestimate the likelihood that others will say “no.” For those who view rejection as an attack on their self-worth, this becomes the biggest hurdle. They forget that a rejection is not necessarily a reflection of their worth or the other person’s willingness, but simply the circumstances or limitations of the person being asked.
Over-empathy
People with strong empathy often “anticipate” how others will react before they even speak. They worry that their requests will burden others, or worse, be perceived as selfish and intrusive. So they hide their own needs, put the well-being of others first, and see caring for and protecting others as the only way to gain love and acceptance.
Victim mentality
For people who are haunted by the thought “I am not worthy,” seeking help seems impossible. Their inner voice constantly reminds them that they must sacrifice, must suffer, and that this is their inevitable fate. Over time, they develop a self-pitying mentality, embrace the role of “victim” and reject any possibility of receiving help from those around them.
Clearly, many people who engage in these avoidance behaviors have damaged self-esteem. They are often highly self-critical, and do not believe they have the right to ask for support or to devote time and energy to others. Sometimes they do not even know what they really need, or can not imagine how others can help. Adverse childhood experiences, such as neglect or abuse, can leave a deep mark that makes them reluctant to seek help. Abused survivors in particular often try to “disappear” from view by not making even the smallest requests.
When should you seek help?
When you feel frustrated, stuck with a problem, or when finding a solution takes too much of your time and energy, it's a sign that you need outside help.
Accepting support does not diminish your worth, but rather demonstrates self-awareness and the ability to act in a timely manner. By overcoming fear, we open the door to personal and professional growth and affirm that no one needs to do everything alone to prove their worth.
Natalia de Vita encourages us to be positive about asking for support and recognizing when we need it. It doesn’t make us any less valuable to ask for help, on the contrary, it shows that we are aware of our limitations. However, the first step to seeking help is often not easy. That’s why experts suggest a simple but effective method: write down your concerns. This makes it easier to share the right information with someone who can help.
When you let go of the burden of being independent, you not only feel lighter, but you also open yourself up to much deeper growth. Independence is a virtue, but knowing when to lean on others for support is an art of living. Sometimes, it is connecting and sharing that takes us further.
When team members can recognize what they are not good at, it opens the door to better coordination, allows for a reasonable division of tasks, and moves toward specialization. Because everyone has areas they are not good at and areas they are truly experts at.
Photo: CHANEL, L'OFFICIEL Korea
